The Most Important Thing...

As a single woman, I have always wanted to be married since being a
teenager at least.  My dream was to have five children, home school
them, and live a dream.  None of that has happened.  I recently marked
47 years on this earth.  A marriage COULD still happen, but not terribly
likely.  When I was in my late thirties, I plowed this ground and
reached a place of some sort of surrender and contentment.  Alas, I have
found this to be a battle which has to be fought repeatedly.  

The desire for marriage, companionship with a man and a life together, ARE
all good desires.  God makes that clear in the book of Genesis when He
said, "it is not good for a man to be alone."  God made us as women, to
seek that bond and to desire to attach ourselves to a man in a life long
relationship.  When that doesn't happen, it IS suffering.  It leaves
emptiness and loneliness.  

But,today, God showed me something.  As I listened to a young man who had
struggled with sexual sin, this thought began to form in my mind.  It's
not really important if I get married.  But, it DOES matter if I follow
Jesus and know Him.  THAT is the most important thing I need to do in
this life.  In Jesus, is all my heart ultimately longs for.  It's all IN
Him, THROUGH Him, and BECAUSE of Him.   He is the author of all truth,
beauty, goodness, love, joy and peace.  If marriage is in His plans for
my life, I CAN, with His help, experience that.  If not, may I be
reminded that in the next life, there will be no marriage, or need for
such.  For we will be a part of that great bride of Christ forever.  All
our longings will be satisfied fully in Him forever!  All tears will be
gone.

Witnessing...moments of being...

In the book, Spiritual Friendship by Wesley Hill, he quotes from a friend of his, from his heart, about loneliness...have you ever felt this way? "Call it weakness, I just need to be needed, and not needed by a friend who closes the distance with a phone call, drive or flight. I need to be needed by a companion who is there when I return from work, there when I walk in the park, there when I prepare a meal for dinner, there when I read from a book out loud, there when I go to bed, there when I wake up,there when I cry or laugh, there when I am sick.  In short, I desire a covenentnal relationship where my helper and I witness each other's 'moments of being' (Virginia Woolf's lovely expression), otherwise I dread the thought of having those moments forever unwitnessed.  Sure, God witnesses my moments of being, but this is not enough.  I need the face of God in a watchful and loving human face."  (pp. 97-98 Wesley Hill in Spiritual Friendship)  
How many times have I been somewhere, doing something, and not another soul on the earth whom I personally was acquainted with, had any knowledge of what I was doing?  I have driven thousands of miles on road trips, alone.  On one hand, I enjoy the freedom to go where I want and when, but how sweet it would be to share that with someone.  How many times have I been to an event, experienced joy and beauty in that event, and then, home alone with no one to relive it.  No one to talk about it.  No one to remember that occasion with.  Yes, God is there.  He sees.  He cares.  But, yes, He made us for relationship, to experience joy and beauty in relationships.  So, it is suffering.  Suffering that we must endure, always with the help of Jesus, as we live in a world cursed by sin.  Knowing, always, He helps us bear that load, and reminds us that, someday, all tears will be wiped away.  All sorrow and suffering gone forever.  We will be with Him.  Complete in Him.  Known as we are known.  Joy will be complete. 

Loneliness...

Yes, loneliness...something I've been facing of late...again...at times it is raw...painful...tears...I can be okay when I'm with people...but, at some point, I have to come home.  Home, where no one is.  It's dark, and lonely.  There is no one to talk to.  No one to cook with.  No one to eat dinner with.  No one to go to sleep near.  No one to wake up next to.  No one to plan your day with.  No one to share your dreams and thoughts.  No one to witness your life, see your struggles and love you anyway.  
For some, like me, this is your adult life.  You journey alone.  You wonder if this is all that there will ever be.  It may be.  My hope, though, is in that Jesus is God and Lord of all.  He, alone, knows my past, present and future.  I have to trust Him.  I have to believe that He knows who and where I am. He will not leave or forget me.  He is always there.  He holds my future in the palm of His hand and He is trustworthy.  Oh, for faith that will grow and blossom.