No Turning Back!

The Apostle Paul had some wise words for those who would follow Christ when he wrote about forgetting what was behind and reaching towards what was ahead-the prize!  The prize being the upward call of Christ to live for HIM and not for this world.  In Colossians 3, Paul again wrote that we should live as dead to the world and alive to heavenly values as we are hidden "with Christ in God."  As we travel this life road towards the eternal, we will come to various crossroads in our lives.  There will be a decision that must be made.  Which way?  Will I choose the path of least resistance and give in to my flesh? Or, will I choose the path, which in the here and now, feels hard and lonely.  Any who would follow Christ know, He will go to great lengths to get us to make the correct choice.  It may take some time.  There is often a struggle.  The struggle to "let go" and step into the unknown.  At that point, we must remember that what is unknown to us, is completely and totally known by Him!  With this confidence, we can choose the path less traveled.  At first, it will seem lonely.  Tears may fall.  But, eventually, the sweetness and fullness of the presence of Christ will make the trees and grass seem greener and more beautiful.  The heavy load of the flesh will be relieved, and the sunshine of the beauty and love of Christ will be felt.  
There will come a point, when to go back is completely UNDESIRABLE!  To taste and see that the Lord is good, and then to remember what we left, will cause us to rise up and bless His name.  Then, we can look back and be reminded.  God HAS been faithful  He WILL be faithful.  He will not, and cannot fail.  He IS "Ever Faithful."

Seeking Joy

C.S. Lewis and Pastor John Piper have both influenced me in this matter of joy.  C.S. Lewis titled his autobiography, "Surprised by Joy."  While I found it a difficult book to read, he writes about how he didn't want to become a Christian, but over time, his resistance melted like a snow man and the joy of Christ came in!  Pastor Piper has written and spoken extensively on the subject, and has emphasized how God has commanded us to find joy in Himself.  
In Deuteronomy 28:47-48, we see how seriously God takes this matter.   "Because you did not serve the Lord your God with joyfulness and gladness of heart, because of the abundance of all things, therefore you shall serve your enemies whom the Lord will send against you, in hunger and thirst, in nakedness, and lacking everything. And he will put a yoke of iron on your neck until he has destroyed you."
Is God and egomaniac?  No.  I don't believe so.  He IS the Creator of all things, and knows that there is no way we can fully know joy apart from Him.  He wants us to seek joy for our benefit!  We can never fully know joy in anything else.  Psalms 16:11 says it beautifully,  "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
We can be sure of this for one who would follow Christ...He will relentlessly pursue us to relinquish every last thing big or small which would hinder or steal our joy in Him alone. He will work overtime to help us see that there is no way we will know real joy apart from Him. He made us to know fullness of joy in Him, nothing or no one else.

Here, Then Gone...

To have something...then you don't...it felt so nice...then it was gone...the feeling of being cast aside like a side dish that no one ordered...or the feeling of being "shut out."  Fighting the fear...fear that I will never have this again...fear that someone else has taken or will take my place.  The empty, lonely feeling.  The feeling of struggling just to get out of bed in the morning or to complete simple tasks that once were easier to do.  Now, they are a struggle.  The feeling of just wanting to go to bed and sleep...bury myself in something else.  
In the midst of all of this, while waking up, hearing the words of the prophet Isaiah in my mind..."I will make the darkness light before you...the crooked places will be made straight, and the rough places plain.  These things I will do for you."  Hope.  Sunlight will come again.  This sorrow will pass.  Oh, if only it would pass today.  

It HURTS!!!!!!!

Pain...it HURTS!  So bad.  You feel your soul is ripping out.  Over and over and over again.  You start to feel better, then the pain comes again...soul squeezing...tears falling...I recently cried so much, my face was raw.  Literally raw.  I lived for the past thirteen months in a delusional state.  I wanted something badly.  I saw it.  But, it wasn't mine to be had.  I thought I could have it, sortav and be happy.  But, I could not.  It was a delusion.  That delusion could have kept me from the real thing, but I was stuck in it!  Silly, yes, very silly.  But, very real.  
The only way to get past it, is the TRUTH.  The scripture tells us that "the truth will set you free."  Scripture tells me that God will "supply all of my needs according to His riches in glory."  "But, He giveth more grace."  I am "complete in Him."  Psalm 16 talks so much about how I am secure in Christ and in His presence is FULLNESS of joy.  Colossians 3 tells me that I have been risen with Christ...now seek what is above where He is sitting on the throne.  So many things I know which are TRUE!  So much better than delusions.
 

The Most Important Thing...

As a single woman, I have always wanted to be married since being a
teenager at least.  My dream was to have five children, home school
them, and live a dream.  None of that has happened.  I recently marked
47 years on this earth.  A marriage COULD still happen, but not terribly
likely.  When I was in my late thirties, I plowed this ground and
reached a place of some sort of surrender and contentment.  Alas, I have
found this to be a battle which has to be fought repeatedly.  

The desire for marriage, companionship with a man and a life together, ARE
all good desires.  God makes that clear in the book of Genesis when He
said, "it is not good for a man to be alone."  God made us as women, to
seek that bond and to desire to attach ourselves to a man in a life long
relationship.  When that doesn't happen, it IS suffering.  It leaves
emptiness and loneliness.  

But,today, God showed me something.  As I listened to a young man who had
struggled with sexual sin, this thought began to form in my mind.  It's
not really important if I get married.  But, it DOES matter if I follow
Jesus and know Him.  THAT is the most important thing I need to do in
this life.  In Jesus, is all my heart ultimately longs for.  It's all IN
Him, THROUGH Him, and BECAUSE of Him.   He is the author of all truth,
beauty, goodness, love, joy and peace.  If marriage is in His plans for
my life, I CAN, with His help, experience that.  If not, may I be
reminded that in the next life, there will be no marriage, or need for
such.  For we will be a part of that great bride of Christ forever.  All
our longings will be satisfied fully in Him forever!  All tears will be
gone.

Witnessing...moments of being...

In the book, Spiritual Friendship by Wesley Hill, he quotes from a friend of his, from his heart, about loneliness...have you ever felt this way? "Call it weakness, I just need to be needed, and not needed by a friend who closes the distance with a phone call, drive or flight. I need to be needed by a companion who is there when I return from work, there when I walk in the park, there when I prepare a meal for dinner, there when I read from a book out loud, there when I go to bed, there when I wake up,there when I cry or laugh, there when I am sick.  In short, I desire a covenentnal relationship where my helper and I witness each other's 'moments of being' (Virginia Woolf's lovely expression), otherwise I dread the thought of having those moments forever unwitnessed.  Sure, God witnesses my moments of being, but this is not enough.  I need the face of God in a watchful and loving human face."  (pp. 97-98 Wesley Hill in Spiritual Friendship)  
How many times have I been somewhere, doing something, and not another soul on the earth whom I personally was acquainted with, had any knowledge of what I was doing?  I have driven thousands of miles on road trips, alone.  On one hand, I enjoy the freedom to go where I want and when, but how sweet it would be to share that with someone.  How many times have I been to an event, experienced joy and beauty in that event, and then, home alone with no one to relive it.  No one to talk about it.  No one to remember that occasion with.  Yes, God is there.  He sees.  He cares.  But, yes, He made us for relationship, to experience joy and beauty in relationships.  So, it is suffering.  Suffering that we must endure, always with the help of Jesus, as we live in a world cursed by sin.  Knowing, always, He helps us bear that load, and reminds us that, someday, all tears will be wiped away.  All sorrow and suffering gone forever.  We will be with Him.  Complete in Him.  Known as we are known.  Joy will be complete. 

Loneliness...

Yes, loneliness...something I've been facing of late...again...at times it is raw...painful...tears...I can be okay when I'm with people...but, at some point, I have to come home.  Home, where no one is.  It's dark, and lonely.  There is no one to talk to.  No one to cook with.  No one to eat dinner with.  No one to go to sleep near.  No one to wake up next to.  No one to plan your day with.  No one to share your dreams and thoughts.  No one to witness your life, see your struggles and love you anyway.  
For some, like me, this is your adult life.  You journey alone.  You wonder if this is all that there will ever be.  It may be.  My hope, though, is in that Jesus is God and Lord of all.  He, alone, knows my past, present and future.  I have to trust Him.  I have to believe that He knows who and where I am. He will not leave or forget me.  He is always there.  He holds my future in the palm of His hand and He is trustworthy.  Oh, for faith that will grow and blossom.